To the citizens of Fiji:In the light of your failure to stamp out dictatorship and to govern yourselves again, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties to cover all islands, villages and qoliqoli. Except Turtle Island, which she does not fancy.
The leader of this 3% junta party , "RHV "(really horrid vore iPM) and those who supported him (who have been until now unaware that there was a world outside their borders) will be banished to Mavana Reef where Vore will be allowed to appoint a Minister to read between the lines without the need for further elections. Cabinet , the GCC , Judiciary , Police Force and the Parliament on Mavana Reef will be disbanded while they await the President's decisions , a black list of 8,500 reef fish will be watched, and the reef perimeter monitored for incitement. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "arrogate" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "abrogate". You will be amazed at just how the RHV and his merry band have been misusing these words . Generally, you should not follow the bad example of Major AaahNaDasalakochaina and Col Tikoibaci but raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "Charter" and "Parmesh". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "moving" and "forward" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. In between thought look up "insignificant".
2. There is no such thing as "Fijian English" (Telenitubby the great letter writer will of course disagree) However, we will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
3. Please distinguish between the English and Chinese accents. It really isn't that hard. Ask SirJimFlyingLice to translate Fijian land into Chinese.
4. Bollywood will be required occasionally to cast Fijian army personnel actors as sheep.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through the People's Shudder or Chunder however that is spelt. If you do, just ask Matacajiutasi for some of that stuff he drinks for communion.
6. Bainimarama should stop playing 15's rugby against his body guards as it's too embarrassing. In fact he will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper 7's to match the number of bodyguards on each flank. Initially, it would be best if he played with the girls. It is a difficult game but he will blend in with his pink pants and sniper-target's-bullet vest on. Those of whom in this team brave enough, will, in time , be allowed to play proper 15's rugby again after intense counselling . Perhaps we can get together a better side by 2080 if he just moved sideways. (note to Kuts .... 10000 of his sebe's needed)
7. You should declare war on Tonga and Rabi, using nuclear weapons donated from India if they give you any resistance. The 3% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Chinese in their thousands haven't started arriving yet, the Cubans and South American's haven't started importing their drugs and guns into the country yet, and the Bollywood tourists are only interested in 5 star not "inferior" class of frizzy haired servant.
8. Oct 10th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday. It will be called "Insignificant Day".
9. All Japanese cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you Madrasi cars from the Chaudary Corporation, you will understand what we mean. Preview them first at the PWD department.
10. Please tell us who is behind this coup and all the other coups. It's been driving us crazy.
Thank you for your cooperation.
