Oct 11, 2007

Revocation Of Independence - Royal Announcement

To the citizens of Fiji:

In the light of your failure to stamp out dictatorship and to govern yourselves again, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties to cover all islands, villages and qoliqoli. Except Turtle Island, which she does not fancy.

The leader of this 3% junta party ,
"RHV "(really horrid vore iPM) and those who supported him (who have been until now unaware that there was a world outside their borders) will be banished to Mavana Reef where Vore will be allowed to appoint a Minister to read between the lines without the need for further elections. Cabinet , the GCC , Judiciary , Police Force and the Parliament on Mavana Reef will be disbanded while they await the President's decisions , a black list of 8,500 reef fish will be watched, and the reef perimeter monitored for incitement. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "arrogate" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "abrogate". You will be amazed at just how the RHV and his merry band have been misusing these words . Generally, you should not follow the bad example of Major AaahNaDasalakochaina and Col Tikoibaci but raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "Charter" and "Parmesh". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "moving" and "forward" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. In between thought look up "insignificant".

2. There is no such thing as "Fijian English" (Telenitubby the great letter writer will of course disagree) However, we will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

3. Please distinguish between the English and Chinese accents. It really isn't that hard. Ask SirJimFlyingLice to translate Fijian land into Chinese.

4. Bollywood will be required occasionally to cast Fijian army personnel actors as sheep.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through the People's Shudder or Chunder however that is spelt. If you do, just ask Matacajiutasi for some of that stuff he drinks for communion.

6. Bainimarama should stop playing 15's rugby against his body guards as it's too embarrassing. In fact he will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper 7's to match the number of bodyguards on each flank. Initially, it would be best if he played with the girls. It is a difficult game but he will blend in with his pink pants and sniper-target's-bullet vest on. Those of whom in this team brave enough, will, in time , be allowed to play proper 15's rugby again after intense counselling . Perhaps we can get together a better side by 2080 if he just moved sideways. (note to Kuts .... 10000 of his sebe's needed)

7. You should declare war on Tonga and Rabi, using nuclear weapons donated from India if they give you any resistance. The 3% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Chinese in their thousands haven't started arriving yet, the Cubans and South American's haven't started importing their drugs and guns into the country yet, and the Bollywood tourists are only interested in 5 star not "inferior" class of frizzy haired servant.

8. Oct 10th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday. It will be called "Insignificant Day".

9. All Japanese cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you Madrasi cars from the Chaudary Corporation, you will understand what we mean. Preview them first at the PWD department.

10. Please tell us who is behind this coup and all the other coups. It's been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your cooperation.

5 comments:

ex Fiji Tourist said...

Bubu

My husband and I think that you have done well.

God bless you,

ER

Vore GOG Almighty said...

Mawd: Vore has just a few things to say to you, you disrespectful negatively inclined dullard! He's really pissed off and had to take one or two extra aropax:

With referenc to 1:
We are inventing new words (as we speak). Furthermore we are inventing new meanings to those words already
in the English Dictionary that do not fit with our view of the world. "Legitimacy" "Rights" "Sovereignty" "Race" "Democracy"
are but a few that spring to mind.
With reference to 2:
Teleni is God, Microsoft? who is Micrsoft? Is that the mattress tubs has a kark out on after his sesh?
With ref to 3:
Do not slag off the Chinese. You are being racist! (not that we mind that - all good - you're learning the tak).
They are hardworking, competative and merely looking for more space
to occupy, Plus they cook a damn good feed and they're bloody good at arithmetic. Mahen is in dire need of their assistance. We just have to guarantee them we can provide them with some decent glasses to ensure their slanty eyes don't look in the wrong column in Mahen's ledger.
Aside from which they're damn good folks and if you're ever in a fix, they'll flick you a dollar or two from
ill gotten gains (but then who's looking?)
Ref4:
They'll have to take 2nd place. That bloody Kiwi C&*t Goff went and bad-mouthed those friggen primitives in Frankzone
Fiji, next thing! stone the crows the bastards have signed a deal to film in NZ - I guess they'll paint up a few Indo-Fijian
refugees as extras - Christ there's enough of them. Last I heard there was some prospect star called Thakur Singh that had
his eye on the main chance. A right Prima Donna, but anyway, we reckon he's good for a fruity dance or 3. Frank has got Goff's number though. He's already (rightly) blamed him for being the asshole
that convinced those Indian bastards for seeing through Mahendra's ruse. As for the Chinks - well! forget 'em!
The money's good enough but really! they haven't figured out their asses from their elbows. Geez, we reckon they're still so thick that coal fired power stations are supposedly better than our excess sugar cane those EU assholes won't flick us our rightful earn for!
With reference to 5:
National Anthem? Queen? I defer to Kaiyum and the Shaista's protectorate. Oh!, and the Catholic Church who are closet
experts in the name of queens paraphenalia. And contrary to popular belief, the communion wine is not, nor has ever been laced with any illicit substances despite the behaviour and outbursts of the self-appointed Vatican representative. Rest assured, HIS mind is at ease and his victims' assholes are just as easy - it's been a while though and the witnesses have all since died, so nuttin to wurry bout.
with ref to 6:
Rugby! After all, "what is rugby?". your rugby is not my rugby!. Anyway-what do you know!? We reckon you're just casting Nasturshums on our inte gritty. Anyway, We've tried inte gritty and Nasturshums don't grow that well in it.
ref 7:
What's the farken matter with you Mawd?!! You've obviously got something against our efforts to provide you with a few decent
drugs. God Almighty! What is wrong with an influx of drugs? We NEED drugs!. We'll be getting you cheaper options on ALL your drug needs. We're just trying our very best to provide you with CHOICE!
And here you are being all negative and criticising us for it
8: WaaaartEVA.!!
9: Nothing wrong with a Bombay Taxi!. Morris Oxfords were damn fine cars too! We've been trying to convince Budget to give us a few but they have this hangup on bloody Jap crap SUVs. They keep trying to tell us they make a perfect fit with our status and can adequately cater and accomodate the huge and exceptional lengths of our penises.
ref 10:
No problem. It is God!. God told us to do it-in the interests of all. We're God's agents and representatives, we're on a
Divine Mission.

Prince Philip said...

LOL ! God save the Queen ! She is sorely missed ! In fact since she left us to our sorry state, there has been notjing to bind us together as a nation ! Bring back the queen I say!!!

Anonymous said...

hahaha....very funny Bu's and vore gog almighty.....you hit the nail where it hurts most.....!

v! said...

Dbu you've outdone yourself! sorry I took so long to get here. I take my cone-shaped hat off to you! God save the Queen!