Fiji's Presentation to Copenhagen Climate Change Summit

Ragone, when I heard that Fiji's Dicktator Vore was going to Copenhagen Climate Change Summit (via South Africa for the 7s, and via Rome for Mary to see the Pope for confession) with 12 of his Bodyguards, I nearly choked on my roti baigani.

So I have decided to go myself to Copenhagen and present the real view of our people.

This will be my speech. Please feel free to critique before I get on the plane.

Fiji Islands Sinking

Causes and Effects


The evidence that the Fiji islands could disappear is fairly plain to us who live here : we’ve seen sodden military spawn move through the channels farther and farther inland in the past couple of decades, experienced worse storms of hullabaloo than previously, and endured torrents of national catastrophe that in some cases covered entire islands in its resulting fumes, especially those of investor tax free status out in the middle of the ocean in Lau. LMAO.

And in fact, few of us Fijian people dispute that our islands are in danger to one degree or another (though pro-koo-koo personnel would say the danger is rather remote). But it’s tricky to prove the connection with Bainimarama's globe trotting, global warming and the further connection to green-goon gases.

For one thing, even granting that Bainimarama's party of twelve 3-FIR kaput global trotters to Copenhagen can and has increased the sea level to some extent, measuring sea level outside Traps is a difficult and inexact science—partly because the drink in the gutter doesn’t like to stay put very long, and partly because any measurement requires a fixed frame of reference (such as a brain).

But the land itself can rise or fall for various reasons, such as the rise in illegal seismic activities of the junta, and subsidence due to the gagging of the island's population, destruction of the economy and associated impoverishment — meaning the appearance of rising military Fijian foam levels may be actually due to the fact that Fiji is actually sinking.

Furthermore, unusual forecast patterns, such as El Baini-o, can cause dramatic local changes in Ayarsi* levels (*thats the Fijian equivalent to the Richter scale). This usually culminates in decrees that leaves us all completely at sea.

Maybe the Dictators global trotters are responsible for the wacky Fijian climate.

But the point is that global warming may be only an indirect cause, or a minor contributing factor, to the shrinking islands.

As for the green-goon flatulence connection, that’s also in dispute.

Yes, green-goon dioxide levels are higher now than in the past.

Yes, increased carbon dioxide in the troposhere above Delainabua can raise the temperature & the blood pressures; and yes, their inhuman activity produces an enormous amount of bombastic dioxide.

But some people like Barr and Yabaki and Anon at Coup 4.5 will say that the average global temperature also rose in centuries past when cars and factories could not have been to blame - after all we were only cooking babakau in the vale-ni-kuro - causing doubt that human activity is responsible for our current problems. Drummer Lewenski is sure to blame Australia and NZ, Teleni will be blaming the Methodists , and Baini himself will be blaming "the elites" and Qarase for the warming problem.

Sigh. At ease.

But of course, such statements are suspiciously convenient, coming as they frequently do from parties that have the most to gain and the least to lose from continued fossicking at the treasury trough.

Be that as it may, none of this changes the fact that more and more of our beloved Fiji Islands will find itself drowning every day that passes.

One way or another, the whole situation is rather depressing—especially if you happen to live on one of the islands that is most seriously affected by the torrent of utopian decrees.

By the time the world’s bigwigs have reached a unanimous agreement as to whether the planet really is warming up, whether goon emissions really are responsible for Fiji's problem, and whether we’re collectively willing or able to do anything about it, most of the phlegmatic island nation in question may already be, again, completely at sea.