Nov 7, 2012

Grubby Replies re Ghai Discombinations

FROM WORM MAIL : Nov 7th, 2012

 Dearest Shazzer

OK so what did you think of the press statement

Sorry about all those hard words like "comprehend" and "unassailable" and "incoming democratically elected government" (you'd better explain that one to Frank if he's going to hold a press conference and then remind him he has to keep a straight face if he is going to say it). 

Back to this Ghai guy. Why don’t we just put him back on the plane to darkest Africa – or wherever that idiot Aiyarse found him - and be done with it? May be they haven’t finished the “Plan B” constitution yet – you know the one where Frank is appointed President-for-life and Aiyarse PM-for-life and we (well you, anyway) are all Fijians, etc? But who needs it?

And thanks anyway for your newsy email with the “hot tip”.  Then, again, after our last Merlot-fuelled encounter in the back seat of the four-wheel (a roomier experience than I remember from my younger days, these Toyota fellows think of everything) perhaps that’s why you should be thanking me, eh? Heh heh 

I’ve got mixed feedback on that inspiring Fiji Sun piece I wrote on Suva, the City of Dreams. One person was in favour, three were against and 46 said “sorry, what are you talking about?”. One critic – obviously a Fiji Times reader – told me that I was a tired old colonial hack hankering back to the days when Indians and Fijians were too poor to actually come into Suva. I drew myself to my full height – and girth – and told him that this was a blatant lie. For one thing, our housegirls came in every day from the Rewa Delta. And the Gujarati fellow from Nasinu, who cooked Sunday tiffin at the Metropole and fixed your shoes while you waited, was a common sight on the streets back then, even if he tended to cross to the other side if he saw a white person coming.  

This is why this Ratu Joni business is all a bit distressing. In my day, the - iTaukeis  - knew their place, which was to do what the chiefs told them. And the chiefs of course, knew their place, which was to do what we told them. These current Ratu Joni shenanigans - chiefs just going off and doing whatever they want to do, and so on - are a sure sign of what’s happening to the country. Nobody knows their place any more and this is why the whole country is going to the dogs. It's a damned good thing that Frank came along.  Good for me anyway, as you know, times haven't been great for my two-bit PR company and a few crumbs from the million-dollar Qorvis guys was just what I needed. 

Interesting news on Aiyarse’s travel budget.  I must say, for a little fellow who started out selling radio ads for FM96, he’s come a long way. Still, I don’t hold with uppity Indians, as a rule. Not sure how good he’d be in a cloth apron standing over a steaming pot of goat curry at one of the local watering holes but I think that would be the best place for him, quite frankly.  Can’t say I trust him. Too smooth by half.

As you know I’ve been heavily involved in developing his strategy against scrap metal theft. Probably fair to say that we are learning as we go on this one.  Remember – the problem was that people were stealing manhole covers for scrap metal. So we passed the Scrap Metal Dealers Decree to stop it. Everybody had to get a license.  People kept stealing manhole covers. So then we suspended everybody’s licenses. I think this time we have the problem cracked, that should be the end of it. Anyway, now we’re paying all these poor plebs a bit more under the new Wages Orders, they should be happy and should stop stealing.

Speaking of wages orders, what the hell happened to Kevin Barr, by the way? Wasn’t he one of us? All this rabbiting on about the poor, what’s that about? It’s these wretched poor people hanging around the streets of Suva and making everything dirty that’s the whole problem.  I tried to talk to the PM the other day about it. Look PM, I told him, I've just seen a whole lot of flat land on Grantham Road at Raiwaqa on my way in from the airport – they demolished something there a few years ago, the taxi driver told me. Why not, I said to Frank, build a whole lot of high-density four-storey flats on that land to get all these poor dirty sods out of the main city?  He looked at me a bit strangely, I must say.  Honestly Shazzer I am not really sure Frank is always on top of the situation.   

Most parts of the country have been declared crime-free, I gather, so that’s good progress.  I asked the Qorvis guys to get onto this and put out some press releases but they scratched their heads and said “Buddy,” (it might have been “Grubby” but I think it was “Buddy”) “we can’t say that because all the people who have been bashed, beaten and burgled know it’s not true.”  What’s their problem, exactly?

Better go, the Cabernet Sauvignon travelling salesman is at the door and if I miss him this time he won’t be back for another four hours. Love to all, see you next week.


PS, I’ve been onto my friends in Pyongyang and yes, they’ll get a batch of “The Sky is Flaming Red” hair dye to you in the next diplomatic bag.  

It may take a few weeks, they will have to gear up the factory again. Kim Jong-Il declared the stuff a health hazard 10 years ago but I told them you’re a tough girl.

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