FROM WORM MAIL : Nov 7th, 2012
Dearest
Shazzer
OK
so what did you think of the press statement?
Sorry about all those hard words
like "comprehend" and "unassailable" and "incoming
democratically elected government" (you'd better explain that one to Frank
if he's going to hold a press conference and then remind him he has to keep a
straight face if he is going to say it).
Back
to this Ghai guy. Why don’t we just put him back on the plane to darkest Africa
– or wherever that idiot Aiyarse found him - and be done with it? May be they
haven’t finished the “Plan B” constitution yet – you know the one where Frank
is appointed President-for-life and Aiyarse PM-for-life and we (well you,
anyway) are all Fijians, etc? But who needs it?
And
thanks anyway for your newsy email with the “hot tip”. Then, again, after
our last Merlot-fuelled encounter in the back seat of the four-wheel (a roomier
experience than I remember from my younger days, these Toyota fellows think of
everything) perhaps that’s why you should be thanking me, eh? Heh heh
I’ve
got mixed feedback on that inspiring Fiji Sun piece I wrote on Suva, the City
of Dreams. One person was in favour, three were against and 46 said “sorry,
what are you talking about?”. One critic – obviously a Fiji Times reader – told
me that I was a tired old colonial hack hankering back to the days when Indians
and Fijians were too poor to actually come into Suva. I drew myself to my full
height – and girth – and told him that this was a blatant lie. For one thing,
our housegirls came in every day from the Rewa Delta. And the Gujarati fellow
from Nasinu, who cooked Sunday tiffin at the Metropole and fixed your shoes
while you waited, was a common sight on the streets back then, even if he
tended to cross to the other side if he saw a white person coming.
This
is why this Ratu Joni business is all a bit distressing. In my day,
the - iTaukeis - knew their place, which was to do what
the chiefs told them. And the chiefs of course, knew their place, which was to
do what we told them. These current Ratu Joni shenanigans - chiefs just going
off and doing whatever they want to do, and so on - are a sure sign of what’s
happening to the country. Nobody knows their place any more and this is why the
whole country is going to the dogs. It's a damned good thing that Frank came
along. Good for me anyway, as you know, times haven't been great for my
two-bit PR company and a few crumbs from the million-dollar Qorvis guys was
just what I needed.
Interesting
news on Aiyarse’s travel budget. I must say, for a little fellow who
started out selling radio ads for FM96, he’s come a long way. Still, I don’t
hold with uppity Indians, as a rule. Not sure how good he’d be in a cloth apron
standing over a steaming pot of goat curry at one of the local watering holes
but I think that would be the best place for him, quite
frankly. Can’t say I trust him. Too smooth by half.
As
you know I’ve been heavily involved in developing his strategy against scrap
metal theft. Probably fair to say that we are learning as we go on this
one. Remember – the problem was that people were stealing manhole
covers for scrap metal. So we passed the Scrap Metal Dealers Decree to stop it.
Everybody had to get a license. People kept stealing manhole covers.
So then we suspended everybody’s licenses. I think this time we have the
problem cracked, that should be the end of it. Anyway, now we’re paying all
these poor plebs a bit more under the new Wages Orders, they should be happy
and should stop stealing.
Speaking
of wages orders, what the hell happened to Kevin Barr, by the way? Wasn’t he
one of us? All this rabbiting on about the poor, what’s that about? It’s these
wretched poor people hanging around the streets of Suva and making everything
dirty that’s the whole problem. I tried to talk to the PM the other
day about it. Look PM, I told him, I've just seen a whole lot of flat land on
Grantham Road at Raiwaqa on my way in from the airport – they demolished
something there a few years ago, the taxi driver told me. Why not, I said to
Frank, build a whole lot of high-density four-storey flats on that land to get
all these poor dirty sods out of the main city? He looked at me a
bit strangely, I must say. Honestly Shazzer I am not really sure
Frank is always on top of the situation.
Most
parts of the country have been declared crime-free, I gather, so that’s good
progress. I asked the Qorvis guys to get onto this and put out some
press releases but they scratched their heads and said “Buddy,” (it might have
been “Grubby” but I think it was “Buddy”) “we can’t say that because all the
people who have been bashed, beaten and burgled know it’s not
true.” What’s their problem, exactly?
Better
go, the Cabernet Sauvignon travelling salesman is at the door and if I miss him
this time he won’t be back for another four hours. Love to all, see you next
week.
Grubby
PS,
I’ve been onto my friends in Pyongyang and yes, they’ll get a batch of “The Sky
is Flaming Red” hair dye to you in the next diplomatic bag.
It may
take a few weeks, they will have to gear up the factory again. Kim Jong-Il
declared the stuff a health hazard 10 years ago but I told them you’re a tough
girl.
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