Darling Grubby,
You have been very quiet this past week. I
have not heard from you. Are you still sulking because I made you work last
weekend writing the RFMF submission to the Constitution committee?
I thought at
the very least you would have rung me up to congratulate me on my winning an
award at the PSC jamboree last week. I got the award for the most imaginative
Aiyarse Licking.
You have also been quiet on Grubsheet and
have not added anything new for over a week. I did not get Qorvis to take you
on just so you can retire early. Well I did, but not this early. Come on get
with the program and start earning your pay as deputy propagandist in chief.
What a couple of weeks we have been
through. It seems as if everything is falling down around our ears. I don’t
understand it myself. I have been putting out all these press releases about
how much money the Bainimarama dictatorship is spending on new infrastructure
developments but it seems as if none of that money has really been spent
properly.
Suva is nearly cut off from the rest of the
country with 2 bridges closed. The traffic has been a nightmare and getting to
work has been really slow. But I don’t mind because I am sitting pretty in my
brand new 4 wheel drive.
It would not be so bad if it was just 2
bridges. But it turns out 30 bridges are in urgent need of repair. This newroads chap, Rudge has really been throwing his weight around. If he carries on
like this he might end up as the foundations of one of his new bridges.
He said the road works carried out by Naim
is very poor and their contract needs to be renegotiated. He obviously did not
realize this contract was negotiated by Aunty Nur and they have complied with
the most important part of the contract and paid lots of money to her company
Aliz Pacific.
China Railway Company number 5 is not
paying their staff FNPF. But we all know they have made regular payments into
Frank’s New Presidents Fund.
The FSC is paying the interest on its $80m loan using another loan. 
The FEA has introduced rolling power cuts for Suva.
You know when it has got to that stage it means there is no money in the bank.
Still we can’t complain we are getting paid.
The FEA has introduced rolling power cuts for Suva.
You know when it has got to that stage it means there is no money in the bank.
Still we can’t complain we are getting paid.
I know where all the money is going. I was
having a chat with Razim Buksh, director, Fiji Finance Intelligence Unit and he
told me a rather alarming story. He discovered a bank account in BSP. $20,000
is being paid in every week by Aliz Pacific, Aunty Nur’s company. That’s over
$1,000,000 a year. He did a bit more investigating and discovered that no tax
was being paid on this money. 10 minutes after his conversation with FRCA he
got a phone call from a Colonel we all know and love. He was told to stop all
investigations on that account and given another 9 accounts that were never to
be investigated. He was too scared to give me the name on the account but said
the first name rhymed with bank. I can’t think of anyone but if you have any
ideas let me know.
The AG is really slacking at the moment. He
had 2 weeks off sick and then as soon as his doctor gave him the all clear he
took a holiday to Europe. Air Pacific had organized a business class return
flight to Brussels for $10,000. But that was not good enough for our jet setting
minister of tourism. He got his secretary to make a few changes to his
itinerary and 
before you could say First Class the price was up to $43,000. I
think part of it was for excess baggage, he did not realize how expensive it is
to transport gold bullion by air all the way to Switzerland. Still we managed
to get a good story out of it about him chairing a meeting.
before you could say First Class the price was up to $43,000. I
think part of it was for excess baggage, he did not realize how expensive it is
to transport gold bullion by air all the way to Switzerland. Still we managed
to get a good story out of it about him chairing a meeting.
The boys in green had a good idea to save
money. They decided that if all prisoners only had one leg they would not be
able to escape. So they have just tested it out and amputated the leg of one of
the BSP bank robbers. In theory it is a great idea but as ever they don’t think
things through properly. They are now going to have to add an extra 2 feet to
every prison wall in Fiji because as we saw in the Olympics one legged Fijians are the best jumpers.
There will be a big bust up next week.
There is a plan to ship all Fiji government data to India. The idea is that
they will use advanced profiling and data mining techniques to dig up dirt on
our opposition. The general directive came from Khaiyum and the dictator's
office addressed to all government departments. It instructed them to release
all Fiji data and information about citizens and residents to Pacific
Technologies and Yalamanchili Software Exports Limited from India. The
director of Pacific Technologies, located in Grantham road, Nisar Ahmed Ali,
has close ties to Khaiyum. Needless to say the contract was not tendered.
All was going smoothly until Eliki Salusalu Manager Government IT Services and Joketani Cokanasiga the Minister for Defence
decided this was a national security risk and stopped all shipping of data. The
AG is in a rage and is going to try and get them removed from their positions
next week. He probably wants to be Minister of Defense himself but I think the
colonels will have something to say about that.
Our new best friends North Korea have been
in the news this week. Apparently a minister displeased their dictator by
having a drink when the nation was in mourning. The directive went out
“Leave no trace of him behind, down to the last hair”. So he was dispatched not
by a firing squad but by a mortar. I would not want to be one of Cokanasiga’s
hairs next week.
Grubby please give me a call I miss you.
More importantly I need your help writing a grammatically correct press
release.
Hugs and Kisses
Shazzer
- This is to inform the public that this letter is a piece of fiction. However, some of the people and events mentioned are real.
- Please note my winning a public service award was not rigged, I really am a very good Aiyarse Licker.
- The Army has ordered extra mortar bombs;
they will arrive just in time for the elections
_________________
Thanks to Blogger Truncated Lounge for this episode of Grubs and Shazzer.
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