Nov 8, 2012

More Shazzaz from Fiji's Mistress of Disinformation


Darling Grubby,
You have been very quiet this past week. I have not heard from you. Are you still sulking because I made you work last weekend writing the RFMF submission to the Constitution committee? 

I thought at the very least you would have rung me up to congratulate me on my winning an award at the PSC jamboree last week. I got the award for the most imaginative Aiyarse Licking.
You have also been quiet on Grubsheet and have not added anything new for over a week. I did not get Qorvis to take you on just so you can retire early. Well I did, but not this early. Come on get with the program and start earning your pay as deputy propagandist in chief.
What a couple of weeks we have been through. It seems as if everything is falling down around our ears. I don’t understand it myself. I have been putting out all these press releases about how much money the Bainimarama dictatorship is spending on new infrastructure developments but it seems as if none of that money has really been spent properly.
Suva is nearly cut off from the rest of the country with 2 bridges closed. The traffic has been a nightmare and getting to work has been really slow. But I don’t mind because I am sitting pretty in my brand new 4 wheel drive.

It would not be so bad if it was just 2 bridges. But it turns out 30 bridges are in urgent need of repair. This newroads chap, Rudge has really been throwing his weight around. If he carries on like this he might end up as the foundations of one of his new bridges.
He said the road works carried out by Naim is very poor and their contract needs to be renegotiated. He obviously did not realize this contract was negotiated by Aunty Nur and they have complied with the most important part of the contract and paid lots of money to her company Aliz Pacific.
China Railway Company number 5 is not paying their staff FNPF. But we all know they have made regular payments into Frank’s New Presidents Fund.
The FSC is paying the interest on its $80m loan using another loan. The FEA has introduced rolling power cuts for Suva. You know when it has got to that stage it means there is no money in the bank. Still we can’t complain we are getting paid.
I know where all the money is going. I was having a chat with Razim Buksh, director, Fiji Finance Intelligence Unit and he told me a rather alarming story. He discovered a bank account in BSP. $20,000 is being paid in every week by Aliz Pacific, Aunty Nur’s company. That’s over $1,000,000 a year. He did a bit more investigating and discovered that no tax was being paid on this money. 10 minutes after his conversation with FRCA he got a phone call from a Colonel we all know and love. He was told to stop all investigations on that account and given another 9 accounts that were never to be investigated. He was too scared to give me the name on the account but said the first name rhymed with bank. I can’t think of anyone but if you have any ideas let me know.
The AG is really slacking at the moment. He had 2 weeks off sick and then as soon as his doctor gave him the all clear he took a holiday to Europe. Air Pacific had organized a business class return flight to Brussels for $10,000. But that was not good enough for our jet setting minister of tourism. He got his secretary to make a few changes to his itinerary and before you could say First Class the price was up to $43,000. I think part of it was for excess baggage, he did not realize how expensive it is to transport gold bullion by air all the way to Switzerland. Still we managed to get a good story out of it about him chairing a meeting.

The boys in green had a good idea to save money. They decided that if all prisoners only had one leg they would not be able to escape. So they have just tested it out and amputated the leg of one of the BSP bank robbers. In theory it is a great idea but as ever they don’t think things through properly. They are now going to have to add an extra 2 feet to every prison wall in Fiji because as we saw in the Olympics one legged Fijians are the best jumpers.

There will be a big bust up next week. There is a plan to ship all Fiji government data to India. The idea is that they will use advanced profiling and data mining techniques to dig up dirt on our opposition. The general directive came from Khaiyum and the dictator's office addressed to all government departments. It instructed them to release all Fiji data and information about citizens and residents to Pacific Technologies and Yalamanchili Software Exports Limited from India.  The director of Pacific Technologies, located in Grantham road, Nisar Ahmed Ali, has close ties to Khaiyum.  Needless to say the contract was not tendered.

All was going smoothly until Eliki Salusalu Manager Government IT Services and Joketani Cokanasiga the Minister for Defence decided this was a national security risk and stopped all shipping of data. The AG is in a rage and is going to try and get them removed from their positions next week. He probably wants to be Minister of Defense himself but I think the colonels will have something to say about that.

Our new best friends North Korea have been in the news this week. Apparently a minister displeased their dictator by having a drink when the nation was in mourning. The directive went out  “Leave no trace of him behind, down to the last hair”. So he was dispatched not by a firing squad but by a mortar. I would not want to be one of Cokanasiga’s hairs next week.

Grubby please give me a call I miss you. More importantly I need your help writing a grammatically correct press release.

Hugs and Kisses
  • This is to inform the public that this letter is a piece of fiction. However, some of the people and events mentioned are real.
  • Please note my winning a public service award was not rigged, I really am a very good Aiyarse Licker.
  • The Army has ordered extra mortar bombs; they will arrive just in time for the elections

    Thanks to Blogger
    Truncated Lounge for this episode of Grubs and Shazzer.

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