Nov 19, 2012

Grubzie replies to Shazzer on State Enemas

WORM MAIL : Nov 19th, 2012

Darling Shazzer

What a gorgeous picture of you with me in your mouth, I wonder what you could be thinking. We can discuss it at our next meeting after a couple of cases of Yalumba have kicked in. 

Now, don't get upset and don't let your emotions sway those gorgeous furry little red paws of yours, especially when they are signing the paychecks, but I was a teensy weensy bit disappointed about Edge.

What do you mean "contract", who cares about contracts? I'm sure Russell Hunter and all those Fiji Times people had contracts, they just got chucked in a car and driven to the airport. What about Wadan Narsey, didn't you just toss him out of USP, what's so special about Edge? 

He's a serious problem Shazzer, he's a breach in the White Wall of Reality that you and me and the Qorvis guys are supposed to be creating. The problem that we never thought about 40 years ago when we were preaching democracy to the natives was that they would actually pick it up. Now they're all at it. There's that Shamima Ali woman. There's Wadan Narsey. There's Felix Anthony. There's Rajendra Chaudhry (What went wrong with those last two, weren't they on Frank's gravy train with us before, why did we push them off?). Even Yash Ghai. When is he getting his airport transfer, Shazzer, this can't go on.  

Why don't they understand that we are the white-skinned talk-proper god-like people who can write fantastic press releases that keep them fully informed about all they need to know?  

I admit, you've got the Fiji Sun guys well trained, it's fantastic, they print any crap you turn out (sorry, just a joke, keep signing the checks). But there are too many people who haven't been trained to understand the meanings of good governance (it's good when we govern) and accountability (more moolah for our accounts).  

Of course, I know the Australians look at the two of us a bit strangely, but they just don't understand, do they, it's different in Fiji. And we're Fijians, not Australians, aren't we Shazzer - at least while the going is good? 

This is what Edge doesn't seem to understand.  Media freedom, democracy, rude remarks about us, just who does he think he is, Shazzer? Maybe we should send him a paycheck?

What about these PWD layoffs? I had the press release written, what happened?. It took me and Qorvis hours (and about $46,000) to get the words right, we are rightsizing, there is an ongoing potential retrenchment situation, we are moving forward, there will be meaningful consultation about redeployment, etc (we were laughing so much when we were drafting it), who then just went out and spoiled it and said we are sacking 1,000 people? 

I'll bet it was that Powell woman in Public Enterprises, God, where did Aiyarse find her? Isn't she some kind of unemployed air hostess?  OK, I guess that means she can do the Civil Aviation portfolio, after all Shazzer, wasn't your last job as a glorified internet salesgirl? Sorry, just a little joke, I know you are fantastically qualified and your check-signing skills are legendary. 

But back to the other one, what's happened to her casino? For the last six months it's been all about the casino, we've seen the pictures, had the presentations, Frank did the groundbreaking, the building will start in July, etc etc, then something in the papers the other day about some problems? We can't have this Shazzer.  Hasn't she done the training? Lying is fine, if the media asks any questions, I attack them and you threaten them, but for God's sake don't tell the truth, where will it all end?

Anyway, can we get this casino thing back on track Shazzer? Because I've had a great idea. We can put the unemployed road workers straight in there. They're good at tea-making, they've always got the primus going on the side of the road, so they can walk around on the gaming floor pouring hot water for the Chinese tea.
They could run bets on when their leftover Stop/Go signs will turn, the Chinese punters will go wild for that. I'll bet they've got lots of stolen manhole covers too, we could melt them down and make small copper figures of the Attorney-General. If we tell the Chinese tourists he's Fiji's answer to Chairman Mao, they'll buy them up in millions. And maybe my book ("Suva the City of Dleams") too.

I think if we can do all that Shazzer, we can cover up this little problem. Otherwise, this unemployment will mean 50% of the country living in poverty, not good for the revolution. 

Well, not good for your revolution, my revolution is coming along just fine. Be nice, don't mess with the paychecks. 

Glubby (sorry, I mean Grubby, I was thinking about all that Chinese money)

PS. This is a work of fiction. But that's all right. I've found, when writing Qorvis press releases, that fiction pays very well.

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