Nov 18, 2012

Shazzer Smith-Jones on enemies of the Fijian State

WORM MAIL : 17 Nov, 2010

Darling Grubby,

I am going to make sure Qorvis cut your pay from December onwards. It was over 2 weeks since  your last posting and you have not even bothered to attack the enemies of the regime. Enough of these soppy pieces about Suva City of Dreams and David Robie and the like. We need more attacks on the enemies of Glorious Leader, Commodore Bananas.

In fact I am doubly pissed off at you. You can’t even fight your own battles and then you do not give credit where it due.

I will treasure that moment when you asked for my help last week. I particularly enjoyed the way you tried to soften me up by buying me some real French Champagne. You were kind to wait until we were on our third bottle before you broached the subject.

“Shazzer, my flaming Goddess” You addressed me in your whiney little boy voice. “Professor Edge has been mean to me. He has been saying nasty things about me and writing them on his blog. He has been weally, weally mean and I can’t shut him up and he just ignores my award winning attacks on him. I don’t think he knows I won a Walkley and a Logie otherwise he would treat me with more respect. Perhaps no one has heard of them outside of Tasmania.”

You got down on your knees before me and continued. “Pwease my bwutiful goddess will you get him sacked and deported. Send him back to Canada.”

Oh Grubby, I love it when you beg. Your are such a feeble Gwubby wittle worm.

So I called USP and said you have to sack him immediately. They said why. So I told them Grubby does not like him and our glorious Leader wants him gone from our great land of Fiji. They told me he has a contract and they need a real reason to sack him.

So I said I’ll call you back. I had a little think and then called them and said he has broken the law. USP asked me how. So I said he cited Coup 4.5 as a credible source for a blog he wrote last week. The only sources allowed in this country are the FIJI SUNk and my Ministry of MisInformation.

They ummed and Ahhed and said it is only a minor offence and his blog site is a personal matter and nothing to do with USP. That got me cross. How dare they let these innocent journalism students believe there are alternative sources of credible information to me and the FIJI SUNk. I want him gone.

They finally came back and said we will stop calling him professor and he will no longer be known as the head of Department. However, we will pay him the same and he will have the same responsibilities and the same students.

Victory I thought. Grubby I am sorry we did not get him deported. But look on the bright side we can persecute him much better from here. In fact I am going to send some of my staff from the ministry to his lectures to make sure he toes the line. I have also told everyone in the Ministry they must leave nasty comments on your latest posting on Grubby’s World. We can try and get Sudesh Mishra sacked as well. 

Our Glorious leader has told me it is about time he became chancellor of USP. He says he has great experience in the area of education. Actually Edge had a good idea last week at the journalism awards. He suggested we should have the Qorvis award for Best Social Media Smear Campaign.  You and I will be sure to win it every year. Tell your bosses at Qorvis the prize needs to be a couple of cases of red and a wine tasting trip to France.

I saw on your blog you were your usual accurate and forward thinking self and reported that it was the Qorvis Propaganda Awards. That’s a good idea as Commodore Bananas wants USP to turn out propagandists and not journalists. However it should be called the Shazzer and Grubby award, it is only appropriate it is named after the 2 most famous propagandists in the Pacific and it will enhance our own reputations.

There has been a lot of talk about the President signing up for another 3 years. What they do not know is the little side deal that went on. Ratu Epigram has agreed to resign whenever he is asked to step aside by the Glorious Leader. In return the Glorious Leader will guarantee his pension, government quarters, car and driver for the rest of his life. Oddly neither he or nor Commodore Bananas trust each other. So during in the swearing in ceremony there was a little exchange of letters. The President gave Bananas his resignation later signed but not dated. Bananas gave the President a confirmation letter of his pension etc. Again it was signed but not dated.
Anyway it does not matter if the President sticks to his side of the deal. We have been collecting evidence and will be able to force him into resigning if he does not play ball.

The True Leader, Aiyarse, has already had charges drawn up against the President for illegal activities such as Singing whilst under the influence and using a microphone as an offensive weapon. I am sure he has got some even more heinous crimes under his belt.

Judging from the public’s view about not giving coupster’s immunity, I am sure our Glorious Leader Bananas will be in the white House before the 2014 elections. That way he can control the military as their commander in Chief and appoint the True Leader, Aiyarse as Prime Minister. He can also control the immunity situation. I think Shamima Ali, the  Chaudhry’s etc. should be careful because their immunity to speak their openly will be removed as soon as Cash Guy leaves Fiji.

I heard a rumor in the West about one of our legal imports, this time a member of the Hong Kong Old Boys Network. I don’t believe it is true because one would never expect one of our legal brethren to stoop so low. Let’s call him Old Mandy; he developed a taste for the natives when he first went to the colonies. He has brought this passion with him to Fiji. Apparently he would meet up with shoe shine boys and get them to give his little flippy floppy a bit of a polish. Apparently he had quite a reputation in the West and they were only too happy when he was moved to Suva.

I suspect that our True Leader, Aiyarse, heard about this and is using this information to control Mandy. Just imagine if Aiyarse released this information Mandy would be sitting on the opposite side of the court room to normal. As a result he will give whatever judgement our True Leader dictates. I think this guarantees that Chaudhry junior willnot win his appeal and will be joining a lot of his sugar cane farming friends living below the poverty line. You have to laugh.

You have to admire the True Leader he is so devious.

Anyway take heed and make sure you keep your grubby worm zipped up. Otherwise you might find it is Aiyarse who has you by the balls and not just little old me.

We had another fine example of the flexibility of justice Aiyarse style last month. As you know the DPP were trying to fit up the Amazing Risko, the world famous Estonian Escapologist, for helping Col Tevita Mara leave Fiji. There was absolutely no evidence but he was still going to be sent down for a long time. Then along came the Justice Marshall petition and Aiyarse did not want to risk another travesty of justice. So the DPP withdrew the case. Move forward 2 weeks and Risko is deported and unable to take any of his assets. One way or another our True Leader always gets his man.

The economic news continues to be gloomy and I have been doing a good job of keeping it out of the papers. THE US GSP ruling is still under way but we are keeping that quiet. However my real triumph has been to keep it under wraps that the EU has already removed GSP status from all Fiji exports.

Grubby, I have set up a twitter account so you can get updates from me during the week. You can follow me if you like. The account is Shazzer Says

Hugs and Kisses
  • This is to inform the public that this letter is a piece of fiction. However, some of the people and events mentioned are real.
  • The People’s President has a popular mandate. Not sure what it is but I am sure we will find it eventually.
  • Flippy Floppy’s are an item of footgear not normally polished.

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