E-Taukei on sale and Regime Spreading STDs

WORM MAIL Fri 1st March, 2013

Grubby,

Still no darling for you. First you leave me for another woman on Valentine’s Day and then just as it’s getting better between us, Qorvice produces another pile of crap and expects me to pay for it.

I always knew it was a mistake to hire white people to work for the Fiji Ministry of Miss Information. They just do not understand the Fijian Culture and they do not understand the Fijian language.

Look at this press release that was sent to me for approval. 

Please Grubby tell me you did not write this.

I would be so disappointed if an award winning journalist to whom I am paying hundreds of thousands of dollars could get a story quite so wrong. 

Only a complete idiot can mix up I-Taukei and E-Ticket? 

Vodkafun extends the $2 subsidised offer

Vodkafun Fiji Limited and the Bland Transvestite Authority have announced that the $2 per I-Taukei subsidised offer will be extended.

This is after Vodkafun Fiji’s initial stock of 100,000 I-Taukei had ran out.

This means there are no more on hand until new stocks of I-Taukei are delivered from China in the second week of March.

The situation has been attributed to an unprecedentedly-high number of people turning up to purchase the I-Taukei.

 Vodkafun head of Human Trafficking Resources, Slaver Prasad, said: “Vodkafun had ordered ample stock to last up to two months at the initial price of $10.  “However, when the True Leader, Aiyarse, ordered us to reduce the price from $10 to $2 meant there was a rush from the members of the public to get bargain priced I-taukei.”

And so it goes on.

We have just had Fiji’s First Human Trafficking case in the Dictatorship and you are making the True Leader look as if he is the Mister Big of an illegal slave trade as he ordered the cut price sale of 100,000 I-Taukei. And what’s worse you make it sound as if the indigenous people of the Bananas Republic are made in China.

If that release had found its way into the media it would have brought about the fall of the Bananas Republic. Oh don’t worry about it the media would never have printed it!

Anyway on to more positive things. We are going to introduce widespread STDs into the Bananas Republic.

Basically the Regime keeps amending decrees and that just looks shoddy. It looks as if we did not think through the decree properly and have had to make amendments as people outwit us. The new Political Parties decree is a case in point. So we have developed the Small Time Decree (STD)

These will be small decrees used to fix a single law. Best of all any Minister or PS can develop an STD. They then pass it on to the AG. He in turn will pass on the STD to the President, NellyTheCow, for immediate approval and dissemination.

I have listed below some STDs he has already spread to the cabinet.

1- Herpes of Property STD

Merely Bananas is quickly building her property empire and is allowed to claim any land she wants as Her Piece of Property

2- Gonna Hear STD

All Deaf people will be required by law to listen to the speeches of the True Leader and the Glorious Leader. They will be questioned afterwards to make sure they were listening.

3- Talking from his Aiyarse STD.

Every word spoken by the True Leader, Aiyarse, is wise and full of meaning. Therefore one of his trusted followers will record every word. The following day it will automatically be gazetted as a new STD. Let’s just hope he does not get verbal diarrhea.

4- Aus AIDs STD

All Australians coming to Fiji must wear a condom at all times

5- Fiji Airways STD

All Fijian Citizens must fly Fiji Airways in and out of the country. Even if there is a cheaper price on an alternative airline they must pay the higher price and fly with Fiji Airways. Dave Pflogger told me this is the only way they can hope to pay for the new planes and not default on their loan with the FNPF. 

6- The Journalist Question STD

No journalist can ask a question in a press conference unless it has been planted by me.

Grubby I am pleased to see the offending pictures of the Qorvice Boys Gone Wild have been removed from Facebook. But to be honest it is a bit like hiding the bottle of Shiraz after you have spilt it on the white Table Cloth.

Hugs and Kisses ...... Shazzer

• This is to inform the public that this letter is a piece of fiction. However, some of the people and events mentioned are real.
• The public need not be over alarmed by the Small Time Decrees. Shazzer has some experience of dealing with STDs.
• E-Ticketing is a traditional form of transport in the Pacific and has been used by Island People for the last 5 days